TOP TEN Ways to Know You Are Dating a Consultant
1. Refers to those "intimate moments" as "Win-Win situations"
2. Valentine`s Day card has bullet points
3. Can`t be trusted with the car (too accustomed to beating up rentals)
4. Celebrate anniversary by conducting a performance review
5. Ends any argument by saying "let`s talk about this offline"
6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation
8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is YOUR day"
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period"
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXX
> An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He
> had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
> fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
> peach trees.
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
> been there for a while, and look it over.
>
>
> He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
> the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
> closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
> end.
>
>
> One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
>
>
>
> The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
> naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he
> said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
>
> Some old men can still think fast.
> had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
> fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
> peach trees.
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
> been there for a while, and look it over.
>
>
> He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
> the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
> closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
> end.
>
>
> One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
>
>
>
> The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
> naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he
> said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
>
> Some old men can still think fast.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXIX
Are You a Professional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."
Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do
you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."
Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do
you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Joke of the weekend XXVIII
The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering. the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering. the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXVIII
For those Project Managers out there . . .
Project Management Proverbs
1 It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.
2 Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
3 You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
4 At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
5 The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the situatee.
6 A problem shared is a buck passed.
7 A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would anyway melt when heat is applied.
8 A user will tell you anything you ask, but nothing more.
9 Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
10 What you don't know hurts you
11 There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again.
12 The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
13 I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
14 What is not on paper has not been said.
15 A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
16 If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
17 If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
18 Feather and down are padding, changes and contingencies will be real events.
19 There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
20 The more you plan the luckier you get.
21 A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
22 Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when.
23 If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
24 Everyone asks for a strong project manger - when they get them they don't want them.
25 Overtime is a figment of the naïve project manager's imagination.
26 Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance.
27 The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
28 Metrics are learned men's excuses.
29 For a project manager overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
30 Some project finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
31 Fast - cheap - good - you can have any two.
32 There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
33 The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
34 A two-year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish.
35 When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
36 A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
37 Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
38 Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
39 There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop.
40 A project gets a year late one day at a time.
41 If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
42 No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirement
Yours won't be the first to.
43 Activity is not achievement.
44 Managing IT people is like herding cats.
45 If you don't know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
46 If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
47 The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
48 The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
49 The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
50 Good control reveals problems early - which only means you'll have longer to worry about them.
51 It's hard to remember your job is to drain the swamp when you're up to your a--e in alligators.
Project Management Proverbs
1 It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.
2 Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
3 You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
4 At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
5 The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the situatee.
6 A problem shared is a buck passed.
7 A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would anyway melt when heat is applied.
8 A user will tell you anything you ask, but nothing more.
9 Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
10 What you don't know hurts you
11 There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again.
12 The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
13 I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
14 What is not on paper has not been said.
15 A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
16 If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
17 If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
18 Feather and down are padding, changes and contingencies will be real events.
19 There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
20 The more you plan the luckier you get.
21 A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
22 Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when.
23 If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
24 Everyone asks for a strong project manger - when they get them they don't want them.
25 Overtime is a figment of the naïve project manager's imagination.
26 Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance.
27 The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
28 Metrics are learned men's excuses.
29 For a project manager overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
30 Some project finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
31 Fast - cheap - good - you can have any two.
32 There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
33 The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
34 A two-year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish.
35 When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
36 A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
37 Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
38 Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
39 There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop.
40 A project gets a year late one day at a time.
41 If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
42 No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirement
Yours won't be the first to.
43 Activity is not achievement.
44 Managing IT people is like herding cats.
45 If you don't know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
46 If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
47 The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
48 The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
49 The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
50 Good control reveals problems early - which only means you'll have longer to worry about them.
51 It's hard to remember your job is to drain the swamp when you're up to your a--e in alligators.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXVI
Happy to provide from a friend from downunder . . .
YOUR YEARLY DEMENTIA TEST
It's that time of year again, time to take the annual senior
citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't
use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or
not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've
made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do
something
else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the
next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as
Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is
made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green
bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said
'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a jet plane is flying at 20,000 feet
over Germany (if you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway during the flight,
TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engines
are also failing decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately, the engines fail before he can do so and the plane
fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East and West Germany .
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany or 'no
man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury
survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London
to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; in
Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get
on in Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive
at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own
name?
It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better
than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions.
YOUR YEARLY DEMENTIA TEST
It's that time of year again, time to take the annual senior
citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't
use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or
not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've
made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do
something
else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the
next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as
Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is
made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green
bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said
'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a jet plane is flying at 20,000 feet
over Germany (if you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway during the flight,
TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engines
are also failing decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately, the engines fail before he can do so and the plane
fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East and West Germany .
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany or 'no
man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury
survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London
to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; in
Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get
on in Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive
at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own
name?
It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better
than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXV
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXIV
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXIII
Managers and Engineers
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above
this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now
it's my fault."
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above
this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now
it's my fault."
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXII
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are working on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XXI
I have mentioned that Innovation is key . . . received these from a old friend
. . . and you thought all the good ideas were taken
. . . and you thought all the good ideas were taken
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XX
Reading between the lines
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XIX
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XVIII
My boss...
1. My Boss has learned to be cautious. Failure taught him that.
2. My Boss isn't a total failure. His Boss helped too.
3. If ever we need to simulate a problem, we invite my Boss to the meeting.
4. Normally we don't except sloppy work, but we make an exception for my Boss.
5. If my Boss was a energy plant, he'd be a 'power failure'.
6. As hard as it is to believe, my Boss has a will of his own. His attorney wrote it.
7. My Boss recently completed 'Excel for Dummies". Now, the rest of us are reading "The Dummy Unleashed."
8. My Boss returned from his evaluation looking very sad. He said "I can't figure out why my Boss hates me. I haven't done anything."
9. My Boss' business philosophy is "You can fool enough of the people some of the time."
10. My Boss doesn't mind work. Its thinking that scares him.
11. Comments on the first day from my new Boss "Over the years I've trained 3 people who eventually became my Boss. I guarantee that's not going to happen to you."
12. My Boss canceled the weekly status meetings on a project long overdue. She said "Every week its the same thing. Let's wait until something happens, before we meet again."
13. I interviewed with a company and then didn't hear back for over a month. I had written them off, and was surprised to get a phone call from my Boss-to-be, asking if I was still interested in the position. When I said, "yes," he said, "good, because our first two choices got better offers."
14. In their absence, management left my Boss in charge. They wanted to see the 'worst case scenario.'
15. My Boss recently joined my car pool. I now know, I can lead my Boss to work, but I can't make him think.
16. "Yes, I've read your proposal, but I can't support concepts before management's review." Typical political maneuvers by my Boss.
17. "I really love that spreadsheet. I did 10 what-ifs and I liked them all." Comment after seeing his pie-in-the-sky sales forecasts.
18. Management posted a flyer, on the employee bulletin board, supporting a $0.00/hr minimum wage. They claimed that even an employee earning $0.00/hr, benefits from the experience of work and the learning process. Frankly, I earn a salary and I don't see the benefit.
1. My Boss has learned to be cautious. Failure taught him that.
2. My Boss isn't a total failure. His Boss helped too.
3. If ever we need to simulate a problem, we invite my Boss to the meeting.
4. Normally we don't except sloppy work, but we make an exception for my Boss.
5. If my Boss was a energy plant, he'd be a 'power failure'.
6. As hard as it is to believe, my Boss has a will of his own. His attorney wrote it.
7. My Boss recently completed 'Excel for Dummies". Now, the rest of us are reading "The Dummy Unleashed."
8. My Boss returned from his evaluation looking very sad. He said "I can't figure out why my Boss hates me. I haven't done anything."
9. My Boss' business philosophy is "You can fool enough of the people some of the time."
10. My Boss doesn't mind work. Its thinking that scares him.
11. Comments on the first day from my new Boss "Over the years I've trained 3 people who eventually became my Boss. I guarantee that's not going to happen to you."
12. My Boss canceled the weekly status meetings on a project long overdue. She said "Every week its the same thing. Let's wait until something happens, before we meet again."
13. I interviewed with a company and then didn't hear back for over a month. I had written them off, and was surprised to get a phone call from my Boss-to-be, asking if I was still interested in the position. When I said, "yes," he said, "good, because our first two choices got better offers."
14. In their absence, management left my Boss in charge. They wanted to see the 'worst case scenario.'
15. My Boss recently joined my car pool. I now know, I can lead my Boss to work, but I can't make him think.
16. "Yes, I've read your proposal, but I can't support concepts before management's review." Typical political maneuvers by my Boss.
17. "I really love that spreadsheet. I did 10 what-ifs and I liked them all." Comment after seeing his pie-in-the-sky sales forecasts.
18. Management posted a flyer, on the employee bulletin board, supporting a $0.00/hr minimum wage. They claimed that even an employee earning $0.00/hr, benefits from the experience of work and the learning process. Frankly, I earn a salary and I don't see the benefit.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XVII
When I take a long time I'm slow
When my boss takes a long time he's thorough
When I don't do it I'm lazy
When my boss doesn't do it he's busy
When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority
When my boss does the same, that's initiative
When I take a stand, I'm being bull-headed
When my boss does it, he's being firm.
When I overlooked a rule of etiquette, I'm being rude
When my boss skips a few rules, he's being original
When I'm out of the office, I'm wandering around
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business
When I'm on a day off sick, I'm always sick
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked
When I please my boss I'm crawling
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating
When I do good, my boss never remembers
When I do wrong, my boss never forgets........
When my boss takes a long time he's thorough
When I don't do it I'm lazy
When my boss doesn't do it he's busy
When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority
When my boss does the same, that's initiative
When I take a stand, I'm being bull-headed
When my boss does it, he's being firm.
When I overlooked a rule of etiquette, I'm being rude
When my boss skips a few rules, he's being original
When I'm out of the office, I'm wandering around
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business
When I'm on a day off sick, I'm always sick
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked
When I please my boss I'm crawling
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating
When I do good, my boss never remembers
When I do wrong, my boss never forgets........
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XVI
Ten great reasons to go to work naked
10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XVb
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk
10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."
10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XV
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
8. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
9. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
10. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
8. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
9. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
10. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Joke of the Weekend XIV
Laws of work
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Anything anyone can do badly will be done worse.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Anything anyone can do badly will be done worse.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
